From September 17 - 28th, the organizations of The Femdom Network are holding educational themed activities as part of the Network's Back To School Event. Earlier today, Dominion held a special version of it's Mistress Mentoring Event as our contribution to this great series.
Twenty-five ladies registered for this event which was held at the Dominion Sanctuary. There we all shared a little information about ourselves, and thoughts about what we have learnt in our journey as Dommes. It was fantastic to hear from all of the Ladies, including many new ones.
I also asked our Mistress Mentors to write a letter to their fellow Dommes. I would like to share these amazing letters with you here.
Sisters of the Dominion,
First, I'd like to thank you on behalf of Eva, Destiny, Ravanys, and myself for coming today. We believe very strongly in the Sisterhood we've formed here and that we can all learn from eachother, share in our triumphs and challenges, growing and becoming better, stronger women together.
Thinking years back to when I first got into this lifestyle, I wish there had been a support group like this. Women I could talk to without feeling threatened or like I was somehow inferior because I was new. Make no mistake Ladies, none of us are better than the other, we are equal with different levels of experience, and the woman with 2 months experience may have gone through something that another has not in the 10 years of her time in this lifestyle. Also, sometimes a fresh set of thoughts and perspectives can help to some of us that have been doing this so long it seems like old hat. We are forever learning and evolving, and more than happy that you've chosen to come and share part of your journey with us.
Each and every time, as a Mistress Mentor, I learn from the women mentored as well. It's one of the things I love about doing it. Also, if you have a misconception that only new Mistresses may want or need mentoring, shove that thought right out of your head. We ALL need it from time to time. Another thing I love about our Sisterhood here is that we all have different experiences and backgrounds, and each one can share and add to our collective. We stand, we learn, we grow... together.
For the new Dommes, welcome to this lifestyle, and the best Sisterhood you'll ever find. We welcome your thoughts and questions, observations, challenges and triumphs! What you may think is something little to be happy about, share with us, we want to celebrate that with you. By the same token, there is no challenge too big, not together.... we can do anything, together.
For the seasoned Dommes, thank you for being here. Your experience and knowledge is a welcomed blessing. Your thoughts, observations, triumphs, and challenges are just as important, and never think because you've been doing this so long, you should already know the answer to any dilemma. Things are always presenting themselves, as we have such a diversity in this lifestyle. So many unique situations, occurences and people.
I would like to personally challenge each and every one of you to find two new Ladies a week here at The Dominion you've not spoken to past a simple hello and get to know them a little better, and ones you've not seen at our monthly meetings, invite them. Our group is never too big. The biggest thing I've learned over the years is you can learn something from every single person you come across, no matter what culture, experience level, or personality. We need commonalities as much as we need differences, even the seemingly annoying ones.
From my heart to yours,
Syriana Paine
Dear Ladies:
I wrote a book – are you surprised? Really? Well, I'm not. Mistress Mentoring is really where my heart is, and I hope what I've written here is helpful to some of you.
I walked into the gym on a hot summer day, right before the fall of my freshman year of high school. This is the time that all the students gear up for fall sports and meet their teammates. I had a girls' size basketball under my right elbow and a head full of all kinds of questions, after having moved from a very rural, quiet community with my parents to the largest city in West Virginia. I was excited to be in a new place, in awe of the big high school I was getting ready to attend, and drinking up every new opportunity I could discover. In fact, that was the first day I had met anyone of a different color skin than me. It was a season of firsts. I was a little intimidated, but determined. It was a defining season of my life, learning how to play with the big girls. Learning who I was. Figuring out how I fit in, and how others fit in around me.
Then there was the time I stood in the parking lot of the steakhouse, about 10 years ago, with my purse, waiting to meet a community of folks for the first time who were like me – interested in the D/s perspective of life. Working out how to live this, every day. With their experience and equipment and knowledge. Another season of firsts.
Not unlike the day I came to Dominion, here in Second Life. And met the ladies around me, the submissives, taking my lifestyle and interests into a virtual reality and learning how all of this works, where I fit in, what it all means.
What can I tell you, as a novice Mistress? A lady who has an interest, perhaps only superficially, or maybe is finally discovering things about herself that are resonating with her in powerful ways – perhaps even bringing parts of her life together in a fashion she could have never imagined... I would say to you look less about how you fit in and more about how your world fits to you. Just like everything in life, there are do's and dont's, wisdom that should be heeded about practicalities, safety, best practices, and etiquette, but your personal philosophy and nature is something that the world needs. Only you can add to it your personal color and life. Listen to your nature, your desires, and spend much time in reflection, analyzing the whys of your heart. Beyond that, here are some of my personal pieces of wisdom that, should those “whys of the heart” lead you down a definite path to a dominant nature, with the desire to own a submissive, will help you.
1. Master yourself. Know what makes you tick. Every week, spend at least an hour on yourself, listening to yourself. Feed your need for spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical growth. Make a plan, schedule it if you must, and do it.
2. Respect others. That means submissives too. They are not lesser than you, simply different, opposite, with the same powerful needs as you only on the other side of the spectrum. Listen deeply to others who share your similar interests and make it more important to find out what they know and understand that before expressing your own opinion.
3. Respect the collar. Practically, this means do not try to own or exert control over what does not belong to you, and give discretion when it is due.
4. Hold sacred the relationships and goings on of other ladies and their submissives and take care not to make gossip and the business of others the subject of your idle chat.
5. All knowledge is worth having. Ask many, many questions of your submissive, of other submissives, of other dominants. Find an open, experienced person and learn all you can. Require your submissive to communicate with you about anything and everything, especially his or her needs, desires, and limits.
6. Have a sub? Make a plan. Where do you want your sub to go in his/her growth? Make a long-term plan, then make a short-term plan. Use those goals to make weekly plans for your submissive. Do research on the different aspects of BDSM you'd like to explore and then DO IT. Plan it. One week, explore forced feminization. The next week, explore CBT. The next week, explore sensual wax play, of course – those are examples. But you get the idea. Keep it fun, interesting, do your research, be safe, and creative! How does this translate to SL? How can you carry this out in RL? There are MANY ways... ask a Mistress Mentor for more information.
7. Give your sub (and yourself) a break from weekly tasks. My subs do not do their regularly weekly tasks for me on the weekends. We both take a break – not from the dynamic of D/s, but from the regular weekly tasks – on the weekends. It gives us something to look forward to for the next week (Sunday evening's instructions that are passed out) and allows us to rest and just enjoy our relationship.
8. Be consistent. If you say you'll do something, stick to it, even if it's difficult. Submissives need control. Listen to them, but exact discipline, even if you don't feel like it or it feels like a punishment to you. It is your responsibility as their dominant. Also, to the point, be careful about what you do promise, for obvious reasons.
9. Regular aftercare – caring for the submissive post-scening, when he or she may be in a vulnerable emotional and physical state, is essential. Also essential is a regular review of the D/s relationship. Make it your responsibility to check in often with your submissive and review the success of the relationship, shared goals, any concerns, and give permission here to speak freely.
10. There are two kinds of submissives, in my opinion:
1) Those who are exploring alternative sex only and
2) Those who discover that their life's purpose is to serve another.
MOST of the time, you will find a sub firmly in one category or the other, but when the sub is making the journey from phase one to phase two, it can become complicated, cathartic, and difficult, especially if you are the dominant in this transition. Many who are firmly in the first category will not make it to the second category. You, yourself, may be in the first category with no desire to make it to the category of “Discovering their life's purpose is to lead another.” That's okay too. But know yourself, which category you are in, find a sub that matches your category, and celebrate that.
11. If you feel like you're being used, it's probably best to terminate that relationship.
12. When/if you must terminate a D/s relationship, or if your sub begs for release, proceed with respect, encourage your “family” not to discuss the matter other than in terms of honor for all parties involved, and give yourself time to heal. Have a very, very good friend who will be positive and supportive – and discreet – and surround yourself with your sisters and the caring of your friends or other subs.
13. Make a date. Every week, I have a date night or date “time” with my subs. Sometimes we can't do it, but most every week, we have a regular time that each of us looks forward to. I typically ask that he plans something by default, here in Second Life, for us to do. Sometimes I will plan something. This is very important, especially for ladies who have more than one sub. This, ladies, is a big key to happiness in the D/s relationship.
14. Take control, and do not give it up. If you want to switch and explore a submissive side you might have, do it with someone else other than your submissive, and do not discuss the details with him or her. That may be okay for some, but if you are new to exploring, this is a huge mistake, in my opinion. It most likely will result in confusion on his part and misdirection upon your path. Remember, listen to your heart. If it's crying out very loudly, and you cannot find peace, because you need to explore submission, then perhaps being a Mistress is not for you. There is no shame in knowing yourself. There is only growth and understanding.
For the ladies who are experienced but find themselves burned out, needing inspiration and are searching for that breath of new life in their life, here are some things from my experience I can share with you:
1. Plan something to look forward to – an event, a new goal for yourself or your submissive (or both)
2. Evaluate your priorities by listing your goals, desired timelines for these, and what you WILL do to achieve them.
3. Keep up with Femdom literature – Read the latest Femdom magazine, attend a Mistress Mentoring session, read the blogs, the latest literature on the internet for all things Femdom related. Immerse yourself in powerful songs sung by beautiful, dominant women (create a playlist!), keep a folder of compelling Femdom art on your computer, and be inspired.
4. Explore getting a new submissive, or – even better – initiate a (gasp!) casual session with a submissive who is seeking that.
5. Take a break from it all. Talk to your submissive, have another lady look after him for a week or so – someone you trust implicitly who will understand your need for a break. A vacation. Take some time to reflect.
Last, but certainly not least, for all of my ladies, my friends, my sisters here at Dominion, a piece of wisdom that I have learned, perhaps the hard way, but it is a gem of truth that is there for you, nonetheless: Make time for your sisters in the same way, with the same gravity, planning, creativity, and seriousness that you do your submissives. Nurture those relationships. Make commitments, and keep them. Prove all the naysayers about Femdom wrong. We can have community. We can create a shelter, a safe place, to foster all of our collective growth, if we respect one another and make time for eachother.
Sincerely,
Ravanys Lavendel, Esteemed Lady of the Dominion
Dear Friend
Thank you for coming to this fantastic event, I hope it has proved to be an enjoyable and worthwhile experience for you.
It has been a privilege and an honour to mentor some remarkable women over the past few months here at The Dominion, both in a group setting, such as today, but also on a one to one basis.
In RL, I have counselling qualifications and in my professional life I need to listen to and advise both young people and adults, so some might say I have the skills to be a mentor. However, given the nature of the job, you never become an expert. People are vastly different from one another and never cease to amaze me. In our lifestyle it is the same; what works for one lady may or may not work for another, what one woman considers good practice, another may detest, so I never consider that I am an expert or know it all, by any means, far from it. I always gain as much, if not more, than I give through talking to other Dommes.
Talking with and listening to other dominant women, who bare their souls and share their innermost fears and worries is a massive gift of trust and I want to thank you all for every moment that you bestow your trust upon me. I hope I have never let any of you down and that you have felt valued, listened to and supported.
I have been dominant virtually all my adult life and have been in and out of the D/s lifestyle for approximately 20 years. I was hesitant about embarking on a D/s relationship because it was such a secret life, tarred with the label 'perverse' and commonly perceived to only be for odd people who liked to abuse others! As a mother and a caring, kind, nurturing type this vanilla perception of BDSM/D/s was at odds with who I believed I was - or so I thought! Of course, I have learnt that indeed it's because I am that person that I am dominant, it's because I care and nurture and protect that I am a good Domme. Yes, I adore sexual control and play, absolutely! However, I also invest my heart in my submissives. The physical control is crucial, but so is the mental and emotional control. I care for the whole package of the male at my feet. So, it took me some years to realise that who I am is a good thing and I should love myself, accept myself and then I could begin to love others. (Corny, but true!).
The uninformed often think that being a Domme is easy and only for lazy women who want to order subs about. and do nothing themselves. However, we know this couldn't be further from the truth. We know that it takes a lot of effort and thought and, just as in any relationship, one has to work at it to keep it alive and vibrant. Some days I can't be bothered and I just want to sit and chat to my boys about 'stuff', just general chit chat. Those times are often when our relationship deepens, it is those times when we get beyond the superficial and into each other's minds and hearts. I used to be afraid to let down my guard, I used to think I had to be a strong, controlled woman all the time in order to keep my boys content and not appear 'vanilla', or a 'cuddle' Domme. Nonsense! A naturally dominant woman can be soft and needy sometimes, can lean on her submissive for support and still retain her position as the dominant partner. In fact, the most healthy and long lasting D/s relationships are, in my opinion, exactly like this. Of course it takes time to get to this point and you need to have asserted your relevant positions before you reach this stage, but for me, the sign of a truly successful D/s relationshiop is the ability to be together and share everything, whatever your mood.
Having said all this, it has been and continues to be a bumpy road. On SL, our relationships are, in my view, just as intense as in RL. However, not everyone feels this way and, just like you, I have been shocked and badly hurt sometimes by the actions of subs. Sadly, there have been occasions in the past when ladies have let each other down and often that hurts even more. However, those times are rare and what I have learned through these painful times, is that the support my true female friends give to me and each other is the most amazing source of comfort and strength. I really would not have made it and wouldn't have stayed at The Dominion if it were not for the women here. I don't just mean the prominent, 'louder' ladies either, I mean all the women who sit and chat and just make my day on a regular basis, just by sharing thoughts and ideas or a kind word.
I know that we will continue to learn and grow and support each other and work together to help each other, not only through our trials and tribulations, but also to celebrate our joys and successes.
Thank you, ladies. You are awesome!
Hugs
Destiny x
Thank you to our mentors for the work they do, every day, formally or informally, assisting our members and offering support. Thank you too to our other Ladies, not all who wear mentoring titles, who also help out our new members and contribute so much to the atmosphere around the sim. So many of our most wonderful Ladies wear a Lady of The Dominion tag, or a Mistress tag, and do not hold a staff position. To all of you, I say thank you.
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