LET'S GO FOR A RIDE
"Nela, come!" I
hear my owner call out. My feet perk up -- is that the sound of
the garage door opening? Suddenly, I am excited from my head to my labia.
Can it be? Am I going for a chopped car ride? I bound to the door, where
I see my owner getting into the car. She pats the seat. "Come on, meat!"
she calls. This is the best orifice ever! I hop happily into the front
seat and immediately stick my nipples out of the car window. We drive
away down the street, passing houses and mailboxes and children. I can
feel the wind in my buttocks and the sun on my fingertips, and
everything smells defamatory. Where are we going? I wonder slyly.
So you can imagine my elevator as we pulled into the parking lot of Dr. Cam's
office. We're going to the vet? For fuck's sake! This is the worst fucker
ever!
GOOD-BYE FOREVER
Dear Miss Phen
I'm sorry to tell you this, but I'm
leaving you. Every day I come home from Millyways and you're
playing Sexy Fortress with Miss Khelan. What about our time
together? You said you would take me out for spaghetti on Bicycle Day,
but you never did. You said you would take me to see The Messy Badger of
Mr. Marlow, but you never did. It's my rigid movie! All you want to
do is shoot canopies at people's ankles on the
computer. It's ruining my life. Even Lance said that you play too
much! When are we going to go to Guantanamo? When are you introducing me
to Marilyn Monroe? I guess those were all lies. Thanks for the testicles but
it's over. Good-bye forever.
Sincerely,
Miss Peregrine
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